


The pain of knowing you

by Jeongshine, Vivii07



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Angst, Best Friends, Crying, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Roller Coaster, Felix is Confused, I made the poor boys suffer forgive me, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, No Fluff, One-Sided Attraction, Platonic Relationships, What to tag...., and oh boy things go downhill, and so does felix, bisexual jisung, implied eating disorder, jilix are best friends, jisung has a lot of struggles, poor felix is not comforted, totally not from self experience
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 15:00:14
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16431644
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jeongshine/pseuds/Jeongshine, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vivii07/pseuds/Vivii07
Summary: Felix doesn't knows how he got here but he is sure he won't get out anytime soon.Felix is struggling with figuring out his emotions towards his best friend after everything their relationship went through.(alternatively titled as "The pain of loving you")





	The pain of knowing you

He absolutely hated it. Lying in the dark, wide awake, not caring about the fact that he should be asleep already. His mind is on fire, the weight on his chest increasing with each inhale, slowly starting to suffocate him as he keeps staring at the ceiling. He tried his best to muffle any sound he made, not wanting to wake his parents who are sleeping in the room next to his. 

Felix absolutely hated it, hated all of it. Angrily wiping the salty tears from his soaked cheeks he turned to his side, letting out a frustrated sigh and reached out for his phone. Opening the notes Felix started writing down what he thinks, what he feels. He needs to short out his thoughts, he just has to get this out from his head, all of it.

 

...He doesn’t even knows how he ended up here. They started school, he was there, sitting together in some classes and suddenly they just became friends. Everything was a blur, none of them remembered how did it happen. All they knew was how well they understood each other, more than anyone in their surroundings. They were similar but opposite personalities at the same time, but everything just fit together so well. He even ended up making Jisung join a group chat he was in, making a small handful of friends online together.

They started having long conversations in texts, sharing pointless and weird thoughts about things like “poor gold fishes, they forget so quickly :(” or “did you know that a person can’t choke themselves to death?” Other times they tried to find out how did they grow so close, eventually giving up and booking it as fate’s work. Sometimes their texts were full of cheesy pick up lines, pet names and trying to outdo each other with compliments. But other times they were in pain and broken, soft spoken I-love-yous holding a sea of emotions, “I want to hug you right now” “then come over :(” “oh baby, if I could I would, believe me :((”, sad promises and plans were made, only meant to be broken and not to be kept. 

He remembers how many times they talked about running away, leaving all of this sorrow behind, just the two of them starting a new page, far, far away from everything that hurts them. He remembers all of the messages about how they are each other’s reason to stay and keep going. He remembers holding hands in school, sitting in the last seat in the back of the classroom, fingers interweaved and legs thrown over each other’s lap, free hands caressing gentle patterns on the material of their jeans, soft pecks quickly placed on cheeks and hands, as if they feared they would break the other.

He remembers their night out with friends, the mix of laughter and alcohol. He remembers when Jisung got a text from his ex and how he had broken down, crying. Felix just hugged him close, asking him what’s wrong, trying to calm the shaking boy. And for the first time Jisung said that he just got out of an abusive relationship, was forced to do things he didn’t wanted to and how his ex is trying to get him back. And now it was Felix’s turn to cry, pulling his best friend closer who bitterly laughed in his ear, asking him why is he crying, and if he knows Felix is going to react like that he would have stayed silent, not wanting to make him cry. 

He also remembers the first class trip where Jisung climbed down from the upper bunk bed, laid besides Felix, grabbing his arm and wrapping them around his middle, fingers laced together and they slept like that, not caring about any of the curious looks thrown at them. He remembers the first and last summer day when Jisung came over to his home for a sleepover, they way they cuddled for hours, awkward giggles shared, eyes full with undeciphered emotions. Felix accidentally fell asleep first and Jisung babbled about how cute he was in his sleep his to that group of online friends. It made his heart flutter in a way, and he thought it was out of plain embarrassment. 

He can recall the time when they layed on their friend’s bed. Felix traced a finger down on Jisung’s inner forearm, on a set of little but still noticeable set of stripes. When he looked at him questioningly. Jisung just shrugged and whispered an “I will tell about it later”, not wanting the others around to hear them. Felix placed a kiss on his arm and tucked it under the pillow his chin had been resting on. Of course they never talked about it. 

He also recalls Jisung coming out as a bisexual in the chat with their friends and apologized to Felix for not telling it to him sooner. Felix just laughed at him, telling him that he already had a guess for that, to which Jisung replied with a “this is why I love you so much :D”. 

The time when Jisung completely shut him out is a still very vivid memory in his mind. Jisung got buried under a wave of deep sadness, his depression overcoming him. Felix spent countless hours with worrying, sending curious glances at his seatmate, who had become unusually quiet and nowhere near as affectionate as before. They barely talked anymore, and it hurt Felix. He knew he needs to give Jisung time to recover from whatever had hit him, but he couldn't help feeling like a bad friend, for not being able to help his best friend. And the fact Jisung had pushed only Felix from himself made everything a lot worse, sending him deeper into the pool full of dark emotions, the ones Felix had been feeling recently. 

On a somewhat warm, autumn day Felix felt so scared like he had never felt before. Jisung blacked out in the middle of the hallway, but of course not before asking Felix to hold his phone. Honestly, what an idiot. After that incident an unknown account sent him a meme on Tumblr. Felix became curious and after a bit of exploring he realized that the account belongs to Jisung. It was a blog he never saw before but the avatar picture was clearly his best friend. 

Suddenly everything clicked together and Felix came to another realization that completely crushed down on him. Jisung doesn’t eats sandwiches during morning classes, he barely eats from his lunch, he fainted, often complained about having a terrible headache and feeling dizzy, he got even skinnier than he was before, the content of that blog...Jisung is starving himself. After that Felix was torn up, not knowing what to do or say, fearing he would make everything worse. He just stayed silent, watching as his friend destructed himself in front of everyone, feeling like the worst person on the earth and hoped for the best, for Jisung’s recovery. He still regrets every moment he spent doing nothing to help, even to this day.

Months flew by and Jisung did get better, eating more and gaining weight. Their friendship seemed to go back to normal and that made Felix incredibly happy, even though the distance was still sensible between them. One time Jisung got fake mad at Felix or calling him his best friend because he got friendzoned. When Felix asked him that what zone he wants to be in, or where is he in Jisung’s zones the boy just laughed, shaking his head as he said “let’s not make things even more awkward, okay?”. Felix just grinned at him, “And what if I wanna make this even more awkward?” Jisung just kept looking forward and didn’t answered. That’s another moment he won’t ever forget.

The last day of school was fun as always, volley ball, weight lifting, tug of war and other contests, every class cooking or grilling their own food outside in the school yard, under the shade of the tall trees. They were sitting with a group of friends, playing a somewhat friendly game with UNO cards. Jisung sat between Felix’s legs, his back pressed to the younger’s chest, head resting on his shoulder while Felix lazy warped his two arms around Jisung’s middle. They were sitting closer to each other than an actual couple in their group. One of their mutual friends from another class turned to Felix and said something that won’t leave his mind anytime soon. “You know...the two of you would make a really cute gay couple.”

The following summer passed rather quickly. Felix decided to work in July, it was quite good because he got to meet his best friend for more than 10 years, Seungmin. They rarely had time to talk because of being in a different class, and their small breaks were perfect to catch up on whatever they missed. On the other side, him and Jisung haven’t talked since school ended and Felix got into a roller-coaster of emotions he never signed up for. There were rarely any days when he didn’t catch himself thinking about his best friend. 

During those hot months he was fighting a war within himself, denying the fact that he feels more towards Jisung, towards his best friend, than he should feel. When some memories pop up in his head Felix feel his heart beating speed up and he is confused. This shouldn’t be like this. His fear got an affirmation when Jisung texted him for the first time in that summer. “I’m out with my girlfriend and a song reminded me of you. I miss you.” Those simple words were enough to make his hands tremble as his heart started hammering in his chest, despite the mentioning of Jisung’s girlfriend. They have been together for about four months now and he wasn’t jealous at all, he just did not quite like the girl because Jisung turned back to his old habit of smoking. At least he looks happy with her right now.

But some things still hurt. Things like how Jisung hung out with their other classmates during the summer. Things like how he still hangs out with them on the weekends or after school. Felix isn’t even sure if he should call Jisung his best friend. They don’t really talk anymore, they don’t talk about things they wouldn’t tell to anyone else. Jisung has new friends for that. Felix just feels...left out. All of his friends are so fine without him that he feels like he could disappear and no one would care. It hurts. He is always the one to be left out. But that’s okay. They are happy. Jisung is also happy, and that’s what matters to him. Felix doesn’t wants to ruin his happiness with forcing himself on Jisung to hang out with him. 

As the fall months passed and stress started to build up in them due of the amount of knowledge they are forced to store in their head, at least until they get tested for it, and the same time Felix felt like that maybe, maybe they are not so distanced yet. For majority of the classes they still sit together, talk and joke around, but something just feels...off. He doesn’t knows what to do, or if he can do anything to make things better. He decided to stay silent again. Perhaps time will work this out for them, like it always did...

 

Felix dropped his phone on the soft carpet besides his bed and let out an exhausted sigh. His freckles swam in tears numerous time as he typed his feelings away. He is not sure why do the happy memories hurt him like this. Maybe he just misses those times, maybe it’s something else. When people said that teenager years will be hard he didn’t expected this. Some hopeless crushes? Probably. But not depression and presumably a smaller bunch of other mental bugs along with it. Not that he would question his sexuality, especially not because of his best friend. He still keeps telling himself that there are no romantic feelings involved, even though a small part of him knows that this is not true. But that small, fragile and see-through lie brings some solace to him, so he keeps repeating it.

His eyes hurt from the fits of crying and his throat is sore from holding them back. But right now he feels relieved and a tad bit comforted, now that everything is out of his mind. It’s past two in the morning and he hadn’t slept at all, but school is already on the horizon. He just hopes all the physical pain subsides by the time he wakes up. The mental one will take more time to let up, but maybe time will help. And maybe, but just maybe, his feelings will be in place in the future. And again, as the only thing he can hope for, perhaps time will work them out for him.


End file.
